Being a solo mom.. where to start!
Notice I’ve said ‘solo’ not ‘single’ because I do believe there is a difference. This is not in anyway to take away from the challenge of being a single parent, but usually in most cases the other parent is still somewhat in the picture. The other parent is still around for holidays, to take the child every other weekend or once a week, they are still present for the big parenting decisions. That is not my case. Me and Ric did not have a falling out or go through a divorce or choose to split. It was not by choice that I am alone with little J, my Ric and J’s daddy was taken from us, he died.. we didn’t decide to separate. That’s why I don’t like to refer to myself as a single parent, I am a solo parent, I do not have the other parent in the picture at all. So yeah, just wanted to clear that up before I continue because it sort of bugs me if I am referred to as a single parent, like yes technically it’s true, but in my lived experience it’s worse than that.
I will say that the solo parent burn-out is very real. Doing this whole thing alone is extremely emotionally draining and physically taxing. I can’t even recall the amount of times I have just settled down into a nice warm relaxing bath to hear the baby monitor yell at me that J is upset. Or I’ve just got in the shower and got my hair wet, or I’ve just snuggled into bed and found that perfect comfy position or I’ve just sat down to enjoy my dinner and then it’s “Mommmmmy” or usually just cries. There is no one else that he shouts out for. There is no one else to say aww no worries enjoy your bath, or you go ahead and start eating, I’ve got this. It is always me. Every. Single. Time. And it is so hard sometimes to be that person, the one that is always needed, the one who doesn’t have any backup when perhaps I’m not at my best and could use a break or a helping hand. I just have to take big breaths and handle it because I am the only one there and i am the only one who can.
On the flip side of that, although it is incredibly hard and tiring, it is also something pretty special to be the only person that he cries out for, the only person that he looks to for comfort. I am the only one who is there for him, I suppose in a way I am his home. And that is quite a big and special job really, one that I wouldn’t change no matter how tired I get.
Having said that, it is so valuable to have a support system in place and to have family or other people around who can help. If I’m really exhausted or my patience tank is near empty and I’m not at my best with him, then even just an hour to myself to go for a run, or even a mundane task like doing the food shopping but where I can do it on my own, it really does sort of act like a reset button and fills my tank back up. And I notice such a huge difference when we then are reunited, I’m happy to see him and I’m back in my upbeat and playful mood with him.
Perhaps aside from the day to day aspects of it all and that everything falls on me (the cooking, the tidying, the shopping, the planning & the childcare etc) there comes then the bigger life decisions. How many days should he go to crèche? Is he going to go to public or private school? Do we need to go on a waiting list for schools? These decisions all fall on me. I of course have my family for help and support but basically the decision as his parent is all on me. I don’t have Ric to ask his opinion or to weigh up options with. I am the only parent, the solo parent, so it’s all on me. I try not to stop and think about it for too long because basically I am solely responsible for this little human and that’s a little bit scary if I think about it for too long.
Perhaps the biggest thing that’s been getting to me lately with having to do this solo, is the not having a whole lot of time to myself. Or when I do want some time for me I have to arrange a babysitter (which isn’t always easy). And I suppose this is the case for all parents too but especially for me because I don’t have Ric as a backup. It would be so nice sometimes to just be able to get up and go and do something for me, go to the gym whenever I want. Plan a trip and just go. I suppose one day I will be able to do that again so I do know that I should cherish these moments that I’m still needed as ‘Mommy’, but sometimes it’s hard and it all get a bit much.
I just wish more than anything that I had my partner and my person to go along on this parenting journey with. I didn’t sign up to do it solo. But you know what, I think I’m crushing it. My little guy is honestly such an amazing little person already, he’s so kind and caring and funny he makes me laugh so much - and he’s only 2! So the fact that he is such an awesome little human, well I think it’s quite a flex for me..
So for all the solo (or single, because I’m sure that comes with it’s own challenges) parents out there, we’re crushing it! And I’m sure that when our littles are all grown up and understand what it is to be a parent and they see that we did it all alone, they will be proud of us, and grateful that we kept on going even through the hard times.
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