Today as I write it is the day of little J’s 2nd birthday party! I still can’t quite believe he’s 2 already, and that I have now been a mom for 2 years. I’ve never planned a birthday party it’s almost a bit surreal that I get to plan one for my own little boy when sometimes it still doesn’t feel real that I’m a mom. That feeling doesn’t happen very often because being a mom doesn’t ever really stop does it, I just got interrupted by J who needed me to fix his digger toy, that’s me, mom and chief digger fixer.
Now this day and his birthday in general are days that cause a lot of mixed feelings and emotions. On the one hand it’s super exciting, i’ve really loved planning this party and prepping all the things for the construction theme I’ve gone with (he really does love all things digger, dump truck, bulldozer etc). I’ve also had a lot of fun picking his presents and I can’t wait for him to open them. It’s almost like Christmas for me!
Of course on the flip side come all the grief fueled thoughts, the what ifs and the questions. What would it have been like if Ric were here, would he have helped me with the party prep, what else would we do to celebrate? Because the big events of J’s birth and Ric’s death were so close together, it means that once we get to J’s birthday we will come round to Ric’s death day all too soon. One more year of J means another year less of Ric. The older he gets means the more time has passed since I last saw Ric. It’s a tough mix of feelings to be honest. I wish more than anything that J could have his dad with him on his birthday. I know he knows no different, but I just wish that we could celebrate these special day’s altogether as a family like we were supposed to. It would be nice to have that other person to share the excitement with.
J’s birthday also brings up memories of his actual birth of course. Which was also a crazy mix of emotions, as all births are, but I had the extra factor of all the cancer shit. The week J was born Ric’s symptoms started to come back and we knew then that his chemo really had stopped working as he was getting the pain back. So of course that brought up a lot of fears and questions and worries about what would happen next.
He was at least able to be there with me for the birth which I am and forever will be grateful for. But he wasn’t able to stay with me full time or do as much as he wanted because of his pain.
In the end I had to have an emergency c-section to bring little J into the world, which didn’t turn out amazing for me as I felt the initial incision (like felt it felt it, pain and all!) so I had to be put under general anesthetic. So I didn’t actually get to experience J being born. And as sucky as that situation was for me, I love that it meant that Ric got to have a little bit of one on one time and skin to skin time with J whilst I was in the recovery room waking up. So even though J now doesn’t have his daddy with him, he spent the whole first hour of his life with just his daddy and got his very first cuddle from his daddy. I think that’s something quite special. I know J won’t remember that of course, and I wasn’t there to witness it, but they were able to have that time and form that connection and I think that’s really nice.
That week Ric also started his new treatment line which was basically an experimental concoction of other cancer drugs. It worked amazingly well at first, and very quickly! The pain went away and he was able to be such a huge help with little baby J for the first month of his life. I love that we got to have that time together, but it almost makes it even more cruel that he was then taken away from us so shortly after that.
So yeah, little man’s 2nd birthday is bringing up a lot for me. But I wanted to share this because I think it fits in perfectly with the name of this blog and the idea that there is ‘happiness in grief’. Because I am grieving the loss of Ric and all that comes with that on this special day of celebrating when our little guy came into the world. But I am also very excited to celebrate with family and with J and for him to see his gifts which I know he’ll love. I literally have found happiness in my grief around this day. And I believe that anyone can find the same no matter what or who you are grieving. Life does continue on after our loss and we can find joy again amongst all the other emotions of sadness.
I don’t thing that the sadness or the anger or the lonliness etc ever goes away, but we can add some happiness and joy in there amongst the mix. I hope that by sharing my story and my experience I can help others find that little bit of joy, or at least the hope that they will one day find it.
Right, back to the party prep! That’s one thing that I have learned about grief over these years, that life will take over and eventually doesn’t give you much time to wallow in it like it does in the early days of grief. Sure it will still be there in the background, but it won’t hang over you and dictate your days. It does get lighter and you will be able to find some joy and happiness in and around your grief.
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